Friday, April 18, 2008

what i am now

Today i can say that i am grateful being the person that i am, as i look back into the life i had during my younger years i can say that i had been through a lot of life's challenges and i struggled hard to overcome all of those challenges. i matured so early maybe thats the reason why i became responsible to my self and live an independent life at an early age. and i give credit to my parents who taught me to strive hard and be strong no matter what life would bring. i didnt have a perfect childhood, i was just an ordinary kid who loves to play in the dirt and go to the river but scared to swim. ( thats why i never learn how to swim cuz i was really scared to death. haha!) i remember when i was a kid, my father was so strict, he wants us to stay at home during the day and take a nap. he would be angry at us if we dont. ( they said you'll grow faster if you take a nap during the day) so everyday that is our routine ( with my sister and my brother). and when we wake up we would have reward, either he will give us money or we have something to eat. and every night he would let me read my school book, read it loud and clear. that was also sort of my training in learning. and i say it paid off well cuz now i can say that i am really good at it and even in pronunciation. hehe! my father was also strict when it comes to my studies, he really supervise me in every lesson i have. he would help me with my homework and sometime he give me some problem to solve in math cuz he knew that im not good at that subject im really not! lol! my mother is just always there to guide, she is a great mom. she makes sure that we are clean before going to bed. a lot of people say we are so lucky, we were taken care of very well.

yeah, i agree with that. i am so lucky to have good parents who brought me up so good. but then some people also doesnt know that i grow up with hatred to my father. they dont know that as i was growing i wasnt really close to my father. that i really hate him! why? because he gave me a lot of heartache not only to me but also to my mother. i start to think that he wasnt really a good father to me and to my siblings, i was holding back a lot of things that i wasnt really telling them. i didnt lived with them since i graduated high school cuz i wanted to be with myself alone, i wanted to lived alone and prove to him that i can stand on my own, that i dont really need him, that i can do better than him! i worked at early age cuz i wanted to start a life of my own. at 18 i worked at electronics company in laguna, lived with my aunt, with her help i got hired. just after 5 months of being apprentice i got regular. while i was working there i am also supporting my sister for her school fees. i send her money every payday. i dont make a lot but i can support her in little ways. it would help her really big cuz my father wasnt really supporting her on all of her expenses at school. he would not share his money to us. he just give whatever amount he wants to give to my mom. and that sucks!! cuz its not really enough to support their everyday expenses, with my brother also goes to school, my sister goes to a private school. how in the hell could they survive with that?! so i said to myself i would help send my sister to school til she finish college. and so after 3 years of working in that electronics company i decided to apply abroad with the help of my friend. and also with the help of my aunt and uncle's money that i borrowed for my placement fee i got the chance to work in taiwan at an electronics company, it wasnt really hard for me cuz i already had the experience with the kind of job. and i didnt feel any homesickness beacuse i am used to be away from my family already. i met a lot of new friends, lived a very independent life. making twice the money i make in the philippines or even thrice sometimes it depends on how workaholic you are. hehe! if you wanna make more and more money spend a lot of overtime and on payday you are rich as hell! haha! so it was really a big big help with my family back in the philippines when i was working in taiwan cuz i really did support my siblings school fees and on their daily expenses at home with their needs. so after my contract i applied again and went back for another 3 years contract. i can say i lived a happy life in taiwan, who would not? i was living very independent. i can do whatever i want, go wherever i want.i can buy anything i want but i am not that kind of person. i only buy what i need. i think of the value of money before i spend it. and to think that i am supporting my family, its hard just to spend money. there are times that i also would cry cuz i dont make enough to send them. sometimes the company is not good so we dont have overtime. and we only make a little salary. during those times its hard to make budget. there are times that i would ask my self, why am i the one doing this? shouldn't be my father doing this for us? he should be the one working for us and supporting us. he should be the one working for me and i am suppose to be in school studying and prsuing my dreams. my dreams that is not only for me but also for them. everthing that i do includes them. they are a part of my everything. every achievement that i have is also for them. but then, my life goes on like that. when i felt that i had too much i wrote a letter to him, in that letter i told him everything that i feel. every hatred in my heart. even though i knew that i hurt him with the words i said i didnt really care cuz to me whats important is to let him know that i grow up full of hatred with him and i just want him to know the reasons why. i want him to open his eyes and his heart and listen to all my sobs and heartcahe. and as i expected, my mom told me he cried when he read my letter. i got the answer that i want. it happened the way i want it. he realized every mistake he had done. he asked forgiveness from me, from my siblings and most of all from my mom. my mom never left him, she was always there for him no matter what had happened. she was always there to understand and explains to us that whatever that my father had done he is still my father. and yes, thats true! cuz no matter what i do, no matter what i say i cant deny the fact that he is my father. the father who made me so strong, independent, and be the person that i am right now. and to think it all over again with the life i had. i am still thankful with the way my father had mold me! a strong woman! i was never rebellious cuz i always think of my mom and my siblings, i want the best for them. and no matter what comes into my life i know that i could get over it cuz for me there is no storm that could bend me.

No comments: