Saturday, April 19, 2008

My Miscarriage experience

all i have is a memory, it will stay in my heart forever,
a life that was planted within me even for a short time.

what is a miscarriage?

Miscarriage is the loss of a baby,

but it is also the loss of a dream,

the loss of a future,

the loss of innocence,

the loss of control,

the loss of relationships,

the loss of trusting your body,

the loss of an expected outcome.

when i found out that i was pregnant with our first baby, i was so happy! my hubby was shocked at first, he couldn't believe right away. it was unexpected! we didn't plan it at the time, primarily the plan was later of this year. but what can we do? i got bullseye!

so the first thing we did was to find a doctor. and then i called for my first appointment. i was excited! my hubby and i went to the clinic, he patienly wait at the lobby while i was with the nurse doing my check-up. i was 8 weeks and 2 days during that check-up, we both couldn't believe it that i was that far already.

but as days passes by we get so happy and so much excited thinking that soon were gonna have a little one in the family. i told my family back in PI right away, they were so happy for us! but we didn't tell to his family yet. we wanted it a surprise for them. we were planning to tell them personally on our trip to iowa ( where his family lives).

on the second appointment it was with the obgyne, i had pap smear. we tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat thru a doppler but we failed. she said the baby might be too small that's why we can't hear it. so she said i will have ultrasound 2 weeks after that.

but before that appointment something happened... i had bleeding, small spot. so i called the doctor's office and i got to talk to a nurse. she advice me to keep track on the bleeding. if it gets heavier and the color turns into bright red i have to inform them so they could see me right away. and that's what i did.

the bleeding didn't stop.. the next day it was the same, but later that day the bleeding became heavy. i called the doctor's office once again but the doctor on call said i don't need to go to the emergency right away. he told me to wait til the next day. gosshhh!!! i started to feel a lil crumps and some lower back pain, i was not feeling good anymore. my husband doesn't know what to do, he was just following what the doctor's advice. so we didn't go to the hospital right away. in the middle of the night i still couldn't sleep..

i got up and went to the bathroom, but when i was in the toilet i felt something big came out. i called my husband and showed it to him. he was shocked to see all the blood! i was crying and nervous. i told him to bring me to the ER but he called the doctor first and teel him all that happened but still the doctor wouldn't want me to go. i was devastated and angry!

i called my aunt in seattle and she was freaking out when i told her what happened, she told me to go to the ER and so my hubby brought me to the ER. and there i was treated by a good doctor, he told me that i aready lost the baby. it was only the remains left. i had undergone some more checks and ultrasound. the doctor said we didnt do anything wrong, it was just a natures way because the fetus was not fully develop that is why my body rejected the pregnancy.

we were sad and destraught! so upset that that had happened. but we have to accept it. its hard at first but our life has to go on. it may not really meant for us. God has plans for us, we can still have baby at the right time. when God think that we are already prepared for the responsibility of a lifetime!

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